Seductive Networking
Seductive Networking by Adam Hawkins anodizeproductions.com
“Be seductive” the man said. “Use your voice, your eyes, your body to seduce the person you’re talking to. Make them WANT to get to know you better.”
“Most importantly”, he added, “Remember, it’s not about YOU! To be interesting you need to be more interested in the person you’re talking to than in yourself.”
“THE man” was @SteveTrister and if you haven’t seen him perform, you’re missing out big time.
Steve was entertaining a bunch of business owners and at the same time giving them invaluable tips on how to get the best out of the networking experience. His performance was brilliant; full of really funny observations about all the ways to alienate people and how to be really engaging and not just spout a tired old elevator pitch.
He put particular emphasis on being aware of the emotions we create in others and how to make real connections. Steve’s performance was great and the interactive session where he got people to practice was lively and seemed to get good results.
A few minutes later we went back to networking and the carapace of the seasoned networker slammed firmly back into place. I know habits take more than a few minutes to change but hell’s teeth, even the most unaware person in the room couldn’t have missed the main message:
IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!
Yet here we were with myopic men peering at chests to read name badges to decide whether (chest notwithstanding) someone was worth talking to, instead of making eye contact and simply saying, “I’m Bill, who are you?”
No attempt at small talk, not even the slightest interest in the person (again, chest notwithstanding), only in the business they run.
If “What do you do?” was banned from the vocabulary, most serial networkers would be struck dumb.
Well pardon me folks, but I am more than my business. If I start a conversation with “I like your tie / necklace / hair colour / codpiece” or “What’s the wine / canapés / cocaine like?” I don’t expect the response to be “What do you do?” followed by (and usually without pausing for breath), a lengthy description about your business.
I’m looking for banter, rapport, a bit of fun, an exchange of ideas.
If I just wanted to know what business people are in I can get that from the attendance list. The reason for going to networking meetings must surely to meet the PEOPLE not the businesses, to discover if they’re funny, quirky, boring or obnoxious.
I WANT to be seduced but it seems like there’s fat chance of that ever happening.
Be honest now, how many times have you come away from a networking meeting having been totally fascinated and charmed by someone, irrespective of whether their business is of any interest to you?
Which is a shame because I’m sure in ‘real life’ most networkers are charming and fascinating and they know equally charming and fascinating people but we’re all missing out on those extended connections because we never get further than “What do you do?”. No one has a real conversation because they’re too busy looking over each other shoulders to see who they’re missing.
Whoever invented the term “Working the room” should be sent to networking purgatory. You won’t find Steve Trister there – he’ll be too busy having fun and making people laugh!
Find Steve Trister at http://www.stevetrister.com
If you want to learn how to give a high impact, influential and memorable message every time you speak, take a look here: http://www.performancedynamite.co.uk/
Interestingly, Twitter seems to amplify the habits that people display in other networking arenas. Before I follow someone on Twitter I check out their tweet stream to see if they sound interesting, if they interact with others and have a bit of fun. If they just broadcast endless one-way messages, and especially use repetitive auto tweets I generally don’t follow them. Auto tweeting is like sending a recording to a party and expecting to pull! If networkers displayed their Twitter name on their contact details it would make networking much easier – there’s no where for the boring, self important types to hide!
What do you think? Am I expecting too much? Are we people first and businesses second? What would happen if, instead of asking “What do you do?”, we asked each other “Who are you and what are you interested in?” Are YOU a seductive networker? Tell me below ……
Posted in Networking | 
Tags: Big Time, Business Owners, Carapace, Chests, Cocaine, Codpiece, Elevator Pitch, Emotions, Eye Contact, Few Minutes, Funny Observations, Hair Colour, Hell, Interactive Session, Invaluable Tips, Name Badges, Networked, Networker, Networkers, Networking Experience, Respons, Teeth, Time Steve, Vocabulary, Wit
Great blog, thanks Ann. Steve is a funny man and has clearly used his humour well to get some key messages across. "What do you do?" is my pet hate. It is the networking equivalent of "Do you come here often?" People don't care about the response when they ask, it's just an icebreaker and a prelude to being asked what they do in return. Another Dale Carnegie quote for you. "People are interested in people who are interested in them". What do you do doesn't....do it.
Hey Andy, so what do you recommend as an opener/ice breaker? A friend of mine approaches two people chatting and asks if they fancy a threesome! (Btw, you may want to investigate www.gravatar.com so that your pic appears on blogs and forums automatically)
Thanks Ann : ) Love the name of the site, will toy with contributing and be in touch. I'll take your hint on the gravatar front - I've never considered it necessary, but I suppose it would be helpful!
Well, that's the impression I'm getting Ian. Actually I could kiss you for your comment as the importance of 'one click on your name' is something I'm trying to get across to people. See http://clickonmyface.tv Contributions to the blog welcome! Have you thought of getting a gravatar so that your pic shows up automatically on forums, blogs etc?
Ha, well, whipping boy I'm not, but I never judge by a single comment (especially one I would've made myself). One click on your name is all it took to see what you're like -- people need to remember that about social networking! Hopefully, it says I'm an open communicator with a receptive sense of humour. But you never know!
Love the article Ann - and you're bang on the mark regarding Twitter. I loathe people purely there to build their brand - no interaction, no personality. I'm a big advocate of the nature of collaboration and assistance that Twitter can provoke, with the added bonus that with so few characters, there's no going around the houses. I look forward to more of your articles. Ian
Interesting to connect to someone via a re-tweet by being sarcastic and sexist! Not sure what that says about YOU Ian :))
I was at the same event as Ann, listening to my old friend Steve Trister tell people not to just "vomit their content" at people. And yes, it was intriguing afterwards to then hear several, but not all, strangers ask me what I did. My solution? I just changed the subject, and tried to be more seductive!
Even in the 1-1 practice all I got was "We'd" all over. We do this and we do that and we do blah di blah. On the seduction scale it was akin to someone saying "I know 99 positions for sex, aren't I clever?"
You know, we've already got one. I started http://thecompletenetworker.com/ for the Christmas event and would love to get lots of guest posts on there about networking leading up to the next big do, which could be in August. What do you think?
You know, we've already got one. I started http://thecompletenetworker.com/for the Christmas event and would love to get lots of guest posts on there about networking leading up to the next big do, which could be in August. What do you think?
That's a great idea Ann - let's have a pact between us where we challenge that one-way traffic approach head-on. Maybe we could have a website brining together all of our thought and essays on the subject and just hand them a card with the link? Hehehe!
I should have known you'd relate to this Mr "Give me Hug"! Maybe we should be bold enough to ask the sellers "What are you doing?" and get them to change the subject?
Steve is great which is why he and I get on, obviously ;-) I agree 100% with the whole getting to know people thing. It's why I've built my reputation as a networking flirt, but I do it to blokes to. Get them in unusual places to talk; ignore the business stuff - let's talk about stuff. Someone asked me this week 'What shall we talk about?' I said 'Sex'. She said 'oh'. 10 mins later I knew her life story and most of her business partner's too. Now I know her. Build the relationships boys and girls. There's a good chance the business will happen organically, if it doesn't you've got another friend.
Perhaps your take on the art of conversation is down to the increasing pace of life for business people - perhaps most adults. People just don't make enough time to converse with strangers - to get to know new people or to keep up existing friendships. I think we agree that this is a major tactical mistake, as much in a business context as in a social one. My teenagers on the other hand never seem to run out of time for conversation with their friends through whichever medium they choose. twitter's maximum of 140 characters a go does impose a certain discipline on its adherents' conversational practices though.
You have captured very nicely why I find so many networking events rather boring and tedious, and for that matter social occasions at conferences can go the same way. Far too many people don't know what to do in that situation or are merely interested in "what's in it for me" - actually the latter is pretty much part of the former. It's easy to end up with a small group of people you already know or spend the whole time with just one new person with whom you have struck up a conversation. Taking an interest in the other person really does work, and I have had some fascinating conversations this way. Just don't be disappointed if the interest is not reciprocated. I think it was Dale Carnegie who recounted a story of one particular dinner party where he was deep in conversation with one particular guest who practically told him his life story, and who commended him to the host afterwards as a very pleasant young man and a great conversationalist - even though he himself had barely got a word in edgeways all night.
I love that Dale Carnegie story Owen. I'm very happy for other people to do most of the talking so long as its INTERESTING and not trying to sell me something. Is the art of conversation dead do you think? We seem to have some interesting ones on Twitter!
You are not alone Ann. I just don't get the point of being a networking predator, prowling the room looking for the perfect prey. By behaving like that you display all your prejudices for the whole room to see - and you limit your business and social world to a predictable small range. But then, in some ways, I am happy that so many people behave that way. They deselect themselves from my radar - job done!
I think that's where Twitter is so useful. You can get to know who genuinely interacts and who just broadcasts. It's a great way to suss people out before you meet them and a really good way of deepening the relationship after you've met them. (Like us!)
Hi Ann I favour 'Do you come here often?'! Not quite those words, but asking whether someone is a first time visitor at an event, a member of the group, or who they know is more likely to give you common ground to open a discussion than 'what do you do?'. I asked people on Twitter and my Facebook group last year for their favourite and least favourite ways to open a conversation and blogged about it here - http://networkingandreferrals.blogspot.com/2009/08/do-you-come-here-often-ten-best-and.html. I might have to add your friend's approach to the list! Thanks for the tip about gravatar.
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